A New Definition of Family

I have often said I’m glad my parents divorced so early in my life. That may seem like a pretty awful sentiment, but let me explain…
First, the unspoken preface to that statement is, “If my parents had to divorce...” I’m pretty convinced that their divorce was inevitable.


Second, as I’ve said before, my early memories are pretty foggy. Whether that’s just the way my brain is wired, or some protective mechanism to shield me from emotional scars, I’ll leave up to psychological experts. Either way, I’m ok with it because there’s less to miss about having married parents.


Third, I think the dissolution of her marriage and subsequent efforts to reinvent her life and provide for two children made my mom an amazing woman. Thanks to her struggles and successes, I had an incredible role model and guide on my path to adulthood and parenthood.


Finally, the best consequence of my parents’ divorce was the way I defined my family. Thanks to a combination of circumstances that included my birthplace’s inhospitable economic climate for a single mom and its saturated educational job market, an equally inhospitable Midwestern winter the year we lived with my grandparents, a housing boom and exploding schools in my current hometown, and a new cousin, we ended up relocating to live near (and temporarily with) my mom’s sister and her young family. My aunt and her husband were in the fledgling stages of their marriage and parenthood, yet they not only welcomed, but encouraged our move into their city, their lives, and their home.

Me feeling very important as a helper.

 We had made short visits to see them prior to the divorce, but had not lived in the same town. After spending a year back under her parents’ roof, my mom discovered she was not only capable, but desirous of making her own fresh start. My aunt sent newspaper clippings highlighting the need for teachers and the plentiful housing. Then my aunt and uncle announced they had a baby on the way. I think that certainly helped tip the scales in favor of another relocation for us.

The 3 cousins enjoying summer in the backyard.

For almost six months, their modest 3 bedroom home held three adults, three kids, two dogs, and three cats. Mom purchased a home and moved us into our own space just before Christmas (further testament to her amazing success as a single mom) but the foundation of our relationships had been set in those 6 months of close quarters. My baby cousin was more like a baby brother. My aunt and uncle were an extra set of parents, helping out with school drop-off, homework, and general care giving while my mom was at work. In turn, my mom lent her parenting experience to her sister as she found her way into motherhood and became that extra parent to my cousin as well.

My cousin with his mommy (on the right) and his extra mommy (my mom on the left).

Even after we had our own house, we spent lots of time at my aunt’s: before or after school, enjoying the backyard, playing with the friends we’d made in the neighborhood, or just entertaining one another while my mom and aunt got in a little girl-talk. As years passed, we welcomed another cousin, my aunt and her family moved in next door to our new house, growing kids and changing jobs meant changes in the time we spent together, but I am so grateful to have this strong extended family. I can only hope to pass on the value and appreciation of that gift to my own children.